Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Your assistance please

The following is a tiny snippet from my life:

I had just come home from a more-stressful-than-usual day at the office. It was dark and I was hungry. I went into the kitchen to fix myself a sandwich: two slices of untoasted, multigrain bread, roasted turkey, and mayo.

My wife was on the sofa, watching "The Daily Show" on Comedy Central. I sit next to the seat next to her, about five feet away.

Wife: WHAT are you EATING?!?
Me (surprised): a....turkey sandwich?
Wife: You're chewing too loud.

Partially out of deference to Jon Stewart, my wife, and the fact that I was mentally-exhausted from my job, I tried to finish my sandwich as quietly as I could. However, it is now that I must ask for some guidance:

1. I was hungry: Those of you who know me, know that I love food. Some of you would say I take loving food to an entirely new level. It really was an effort to hide my lust for that turkey sandwich on that night - it was just so satisfying, so reliable. I also find it a source of pride being able to provide for myself and my family - having the resources to eat when I'm hungry.

2. Bread: My wife also prefers getting the multigrain varieties, which have loads of nuts, seeds, and other various plant-matter baked inside. I, myself, can do rather well on plain, soft, quiet, Wonderbread white. So, I think her loaf choice is partially to blame here.

3. Just a sandwich: I didn't go through my entire repertoire of exotic ingredients for this sandwich - I didn't even toast the bread! No potato chips, or crisp lettuce leaves, not even crunchy strips of bacon. No, the sandwich innards were, in my opinion, as quiet as they could have been.

So, am I crazy here? Do your significant others' eating volume annoy you? Have you been labelled a loud eater?

I'm wondering if I should cater to this, or lash out in the totally opposite direction and start making slurpy ramen noodles or hard-shell tacos for dinner. This, however, would go against my policy of using food as a weapon. But, is it my chewing or is my wife getting at something more? I wonder.


skat said...

Maybe it's that time of the month? As a woman, I can attest to the fact that sometimes little things become exaggerated when it's that time of the month.

Here is an example:

Me: Why are you sighing?
Leo: I'm not sighing. I'm breathing.
Me: Well, stop. It's too loud.

If it's not that time of the month, then I don't know what to tell you. Maybe she had a bad day too...? Did you ask her?

Taka said...

I probably should try and track her cycle. But, no. At the moment, I was mainly concerned with finishing my sandwich in peace - which probably makes me a selfish (and hungry) bastard in her eyes.

Last night, I had lasagna and mashed potatoes. My ninja-like chewing went undetected.

Megz Ling said...

Maybe you were unknowingly and automatically moaning in ecstasy over the yumminess of said sandwich? Maybe you were sitting there, telling it how flavorful and juicy and tasty it is, totally oblivious and unaware that you were talking out loud? Or, maybe she really likes Jon Stewart and was having a bad day. I'm thinking it was the former, though.

Taka said...

Turkey is a cruel, seductive mistress...